My biggest complaint with your dialogue is that it sometimes seems like you're using it to force the story along. Ok, I already know that. Well I'm going to finish on something that I did quite like and that was the concept of the plot itself. It's the use of 'or' there that breaks the meaning. After that, it's into the club and a quick establishing note of what she feels when she gets inside before we introduce Selena and finish setting up the scene. If you had any problems with the way I did this little review too then I'd be happy to hear them. The brackets of her parents being fans of Mexican music feels unnecessary, especially in an opening paragraph where you're trying to sink the reader down into your tale.
First, the introductory sentence doesn't make sense: Coll McDiarmid was enjoying himself, or at least he intended to later. It shows the contrast in tone of the story and lets the reader know that they're actually reading something of a comedy-adventure. It's getting late now and I need sleep. I didn't like any of the characters and more-so, I didn't think I was supposed to. It's something you want to at least hint at. Lien offered a quick, concise summary of that story's failings, and some useful suggestions on how to avoid those traps in the future. In fact you often actually talk about swords piercing hearts so I'm completely confused as to what this world is all about.
If your post doesn't directly have anything to do with those three categories, it could possibly get removed. I know it's exhibitionist and voyeur but I would have liked to have him finish with a good fuck between the wife and the younger man. Then she says she really loved the world that's getting all militaristic shortly before turning them to dust. My inspiration was my wife's two best friends in high school and college--they both loved her and competed for her attention, but they didn't like each other at all. That world that you've just destroyed includes small children who couldn't possibly have done anything wrong yet. The goddess also remains more of a mystery which works better for all-powerful characters like her.
Like I said, do it in stages but if you introduce something weird and wonderful then make sure it's explained to avoid confusion. There's no stopping, no setting the scene properly. Still, please just drop it altogether because writing that hurt my soul a little bit. I felt a little bit lost. I am really, really fucking sorry about that. If a story just isn't to my taste because of this then I'll let you know and please don't be put off by it or think of it as negative criticism.
With that said, I do tend to use bad language and such for emphasis. I'll just go bit by bit. There are also likely up to 1000 multi-chapter stories in progress. I already sent my thoughts to Lien Geller, but I will post them here, as well. It's also a lot more consistent. For what it's worth, I dealt with it more as a romance than a taboo, dirty relationship.
If you want to make me interested in your characters then put in the work to do so. Turns out, it was the first paragraph. I think, perhaps, the problem may have been that there were too many conflicts, and main conflict did not even come to light until chapter 2. It's just a series of actions. Although I'm hopeful that I'll be able to give more time to it in future. Since, scifi seems to be your forte, I present to you in the scifi category. I'm sure there are quality and not in that way you pervs stories on that site.
It comes off as being pretentious. I don't need to know what model her car is since it's not really relevant. If you've done this to know whether or not you're any good then congratulation's, you've got a lot of good points to your writing. Good descriptive writing isn't vague, it gives the reader's imagination a good grounding to start. Also, just as a side note and a very personal gripe. I still do think it would be a mistake though.
Start small with the really important stuff and prepare to add more layers when they're needed. I suppose I may have gone too far to the other extreme. If I had known this was going to be a gang bang, I would have brought some lube. I kinda wanted him to charge out, throw the husband off and hop on himself. I shall never help anyone again! If you're not sure, then just be consistent and refer to it with one word. Think about them and implement them into your story. I should have tried harder to make someone likable right from the outset.